Monday, May 16, 2011

All Those Rules

What a week! I've been showered with love, affection, food, more love, cards, flowers, well-wishes, etc. But at night when it's dark, and everyone is asleep my headaches become more pronounced and I try to sleep. But it's difficult.

I eventually fall asleep due to extreme exhaustion. But I toss and turn and have nightmares and wake up in uncomfortable pain. No, the pain and headaches aren't excruciating, but very uncomfortable.

Good news ... each night gets better. Each day, too.

Today has been the best day yet. I slept OK last night, woke up to the sounds of my son watching Doctor Who. I woke up and made breakfast. Then did some tidying up. Later we went to a late lunch with Western, Zach and Emily. And a jaunt to the grocery store where I picked up some fruit for smoothies (still the only thing that tastes completely right). My sweet friend Jennifer brought over homemade BBQ chicken, potato salad and green beans and then Zach brought over frozen yogurt. I am getting so spoiled.

Tomorrow I will attempt to drive Harry to school. Then I am going to pamper myself all week in one way or another.

I am slowly but surely getting through sending all the thank you cards to friends all around the world. I am making each of them personal, and that takes a little time.

For the past two weeks I feel like "THANK YOU" is the thing I say the most. And after a while it starts sounding insincere, but let me just assure you, it's not. I am completely sincere when I say it. Because I mean it, with all my heart.

It's always been really hard for me to accept kindness and help. I don't know why, but I'm at a point in my life when I think I might start investigating why. My friend Sammi asked me the other day, "Joey, why do you think it's OK for certain people to treat you like shit?" I was shocked at the question. But then I realized that I do allow that way too often. Now that I see that people are intrinsically good, and the people who love me, LOVE me, I will never let anyone treat me like shit again.

So, when I say thank you, I mean it. Very sincerely.

I just rambled, I know.

When my grandma (nana) was alive (she died 4/3/01) I would talk to her several times a day. I worried about her from the time I was about four-year-old. I worried because she lived by herself. But truthfully, I know now that she was THE strongest, most amazing woman I have ever met. But still I worried about her.

I would end each phone call with, "OK nana, lock your doors, take your medicine, make sure the den door is locked, call me if you need me, get your lunch ready, lock the screen door, make sure the phone is hung up when you hang up with me, be careful, I love you." Seriously, every conversation ended with that.

Maybe I was not only a worrier, but extremely controlling. Jeez.

One time when I was about Harrison's age, I decided to end the conversation with "all those rules." She and I both knew that "all those rules" meant to lock up, take medicine, call me if she needed me and that I loved her.

So, I feel like using that or something similar with all the people who have helped me. The people who I thank several times a day. Not to make my appreciation any less sincere, but to summarize it, and hopefully make it more sincere.

Back to what Sammi was saying ... she said all that because she also asked me, "Joey, don't you think you deserve all this love and kindness?" And my response was an immediate, "no." What? Of course I deserve it. But it's really hard to be humble sometimes.

Nevertheless, I will never stop being thankful. And I'll never stop feeling truly blessed in life. I really consider myself to be lucky and blessed and loved and happy. I am.

So, it's nearly 1 a.m, and I think I will try sleeping soon. I just don't want to try and not be able to - It's upsetting to say the least. But I will try.

This week will be good. I have lots of plans. And I do tire easy, so no worries, I plan to also get rest and continue to recover. But I also plan on being good to myself. And plan to treat myself well.

My goal is to start working half days at home next week — I think my energy level will be high enough to do that, and I think my doctor will approve it. Let's just hope my employer does. I could really use the income. And my ultimate goal is to get released to go back full time on June 6.

I miss my routine. And I am so excited about this summer — I can feel it and I know it's going to be the best summer ever. And ultimately the best year ever.

I am starting to feel renewed.

I promise my next blog will be more entertaining.

All those rules!


  1. Joey, you are a force of nature, truly. That could be one reason why it feels uncomfortable to be taken care of. But look at what comes of it---you and Harrison are well-cared for, and you have lovely material to write with, from the descriptions of the flowers and food to the insight you've given us all.

    I'm always charmed by your updates and in awe of your powers of recovery. Thanks for sharing your journey. I miss your great laugh and that Joey flair for living, and hope to see you out and about when you are up to it! <3

  2. Your natural thought process IS entertaining! I loved the obsessed-with-Granny's-safety run. Me too, sister. I take care of my 86yo grandma (who raised me, and is now on hospice with lung cancer and congestive heart failure), and I really worry that something could happen when no one is there with her. She had a heart attack and mini-stroke at night one time and wasn't able to push the Lifeline button to get help. EEK!

    Now I'm rambling.

    My point is, people like to live how they choose. Some of them would prefer a little danger to assured safety. (I like safety, myself.) At least your grandma did it HEEER WAAAY! Mine too.

    Rooting for you, still.