Spring is in the air. I love it. I always have. It's different than my other favorite season — fall. Spring is like a renewal of spirit. Fall is more of a hunker down and hibernate vibe.
Nevertheless, I smell and feel spring upon us. And it's good.
My doctor's nurse called me this week. I have my second follow up MRI next Thursday. The first one I had, which diagnosed the tumor, was in September. I go to my doctor on March 9 to compare the two MRIs side-by-side to see how the tumor has grown.
Sometimes I have dreams that it has rapidly grown to a massive size. And sometimes during my awake hours I psych myself out and imagine it growing.
Lately my symptoms are the same. Headaches (these could be stress related), balance issues, no hearing, tinnitus. However, there are a few new symptoms. This is gross, but I have been drooling at night. I've never been a night drooler. But I wake up and find that it's happening. I worry that the tumor is starting to affect my facial nerve. Also, the left side of my head gets numb during the day and whilst I sleep — that's a new symptom. The scariest new symptom of all is my speech. It isn't necessarily slurred, but oftentimes I struggle to say the right words. Much like Serene Branson as seen here:
It's not at all funny. But sorta funny. And I mess up like Ricky in Trailer Park Boys. More often, this is what it's like. For instance, I said, "Bump up my game" yesterday instead of "Step up my game."
I am pretty sure that my doctor is going to want to schedule surgery after my appointment on the 9th of March.
Here is a list. Because I love lists.
1. Harry is taken care of, I believe. My dear friend Emily has agreed to play mommy whilst I am in the hospital. I trust her completely. And Harry loves her. And Emily says that he can sleep in bed with her and that makes me feel more comfortable. I won't have to worry about him because I know that Emily will baby my baby.
2. I'm trying to wrap up production of my April magazine by the time my surgery rolls around. This shouldn't be a problem. And I will try to get a head start on the next one.
3. My amazing housekeeper has offered to come take care of the house whilst I am in recovery. So, I don't have to worry about cleaning house or tidying up.
4. I have awesome friends who want to organize a meal program during my recovery, so I don't have to cook. This will be excellent.
5. My friends rule.
6. I have written a manual to my life which states passwords, details, life insurance, final wishes, etc. And I've even written my obituary. I am so morbid, I know. But c'mon.
So, I think my affairs will be in order. However, I am not sure what I am going to do about paying medical bills, rent and other bills whilst I am off work without pay. Perhaps I will give myself a benefit. Or start a paypal account and ask for donations to help cover expenses in my time of need. For each donation level I will offer something awesome. For instance:
Donate $50 or below and you will receive a photo of my gnarly tumor during surgery.
$51-$200 the donor will receive a photo of the gnarly tumor, a postcard mailed to them from my hospital room with slobber on it.
$201-$500 the donor will receive the photo, the postcard and a video of doctors removing my stitches.
I haven't worked out the details, but you get the drift.
So .... Neal's gf, Jamie, had her surgery 2.5 weeks ago. The tumor was 5cm and the surgery was about 14 hours long. She was in the hospital for 1.5 weeks and is doing well at home. She has a few minor pains, but so far, so good.
I hope to be back to work within two weeks. Seriously, that's my goal. I have to work.
On to random stuff:
I'm stressed beyond belief - not because I have a brain tumor, but because my son's father sucks ass. I won't write too much about it because I'm too dignified to make myself into a victim (thanks Zach), but right now it sucks. Whilst driving home last night this is what Harrison said to me, since he hasn't seen or heard from his father in a month:
"Mom, I want a new dad. My dad doesn't care about me anymore. And he doesn't love me."
Do you know how much that breaks a mother's heart?
So, I guess I am going to have to go to the Dad Store. After I go to the Big Brother Store, because he also wants one of those.
Work is good. Friends are good. Being a mommy is good. Family is good. Spring is good. Life is good.