Lists and Things

I have 19 days to go until my head gets sliced open during translabyrinthine brain surgery. Say that 6 times fast.

My surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, May 4 at St. Francis Hospital.

Here is how it's going down:


1. Doctors will knock me out.
2. They will slice open my scalp, behind my left ear.
3. They will remove my mastoid bone (not for good, I don't think - I hope they give it back).
4. And totally remove my inner ear, forever.
5. They will scoot some stuff over and then get to work on removing the tumor from my 8th cranial nerve.
6. Then they will, I guess, put back my mastoid bone and close me up. But first the doctors will slice open my belly and scoop out some fat to use during the stitching/stapling process. I guess my scalp will be stretched open for a number of hours (from 6 to 20 hours) and so they need to fill it in with some fat, because it will be stretched out. Ugh.
7. Then they will cut another hole in my scalp over my mastoid bone and insert a small titanium implant that will transfer sound vibrations to the functional cochlea. Yes, I'm very cool.
I am not sure how long I will be in the hospital, but probably for about a week. Then I will maybe be recovering and off work for about a month.

I don't know all the details yet because I haven't had the surgery. Everyone tolerates it differently. I am very positive that I will jump right out of bed 4 hours after brain surgery and be released to go home.

My new famous friend Marla told me yesterday to, "plan for all outcomes, and expect the best!" She is allowed to tell me positive stuff like that because she had the exact same surgery. And she is still gorgeous, awesome and fine. So, I trust her.

But chances are, realistically, I will be in ICU for a few days. Then in the hospital for a few more. Then home recovering for about three. Then I will be back at work. That's my plan.

So, I am worried about some things. Here is a list of a few things I am worried about:

1. What if my visitors see my butt?

I mean, hospital gowns aren't known to cover you up well. And what if a visitor sees my boob/s or, shudder, my va-jay? I'll be mortified.

I asked Zach last night what he'd do if he saw my butt and he had some smart-assed remark. Then I told him that he'd probably want to marry me. So, he isn't an accurate example. Bottom line (pun unintended), I don't want ANYONE to see my butt.

2. What if my lips get chapped during surgery? I hate chapped lips. And being in surgery for up to 20 hours means that I won't be applying and reapplying chapstick on an every-15-minute basis. Do you think I can put a big slab of vaseline on my lips before I go in and that'll take care of it?

3. What if I die? This is the only thing I am truly worried about. I mean, who wouldn't be? But I have 19 days left — I HAVE to be positive at this point. Positive that I won't die.

4. What if I get out of surgery and recover and never have sex again because of some tragic flaw in surgery? Like what if I am rendered uncoitusable (yes, that's a totally made up word) because I am no longer attractive (not that I am currently Miss Universe). But really, what if?

5. What if I wake up from surgery and look like this?

6. I'm worried that I will all of the sudden wake up in the middle of brain surgery and be like WHAT THE FUCK!?! Man, that would suck.

7. I am worried that I am going to make my friends and family worry during surgery. I don't want them to worry. I want them to all just hang out and wait for me to come out of surgery just fine.

MUST BE POSITIVE, JOEY!

OK, what else?

The last few weeks have been pretty good. I've spent quality time with my little lad and my friends and family. I've gotten TONS of stuff done at work and home.

Blah. There isn't much more to report. Well, there is, but I have all the sudden lost my momentum. It must be this stupid brain tumor.

Oh, yeah, I think I need a little mascot, if you will, to accompany me into the surgery room. Perhaps a stuffed animal. Is that babyish? Probably.

That's all for now.