Monday, March 21, 2011

Sad stuff. Happy stuff.

Years ago, before Harrison was created, I watched a movie with my then-husband Mark. It starred a few of my favorite people — Mark Ruffalo (who incidentally has weathered an acoustic neuroma brain tumor), Amanda Plummer and Debbie Harry. The movie made both of us cry. It was called "My Life Without Me." It's about a young mom who finds out she has terminal cancer and vows not to tell anyone. Rather she wants to make plans. She doesn't want to live the rest of her short life making her children and husband sad. So she makes a list of things she wants to do before she dies. On that list is to kiss her children as much as possible, have an affair, smoke and drink, find her husband a new wife, etc.

My Life Without Me


After Mark and I watched the movie we were sad, but we had a discussion. We agreed that if it happened to either of us we would want to know. So we vowed to tell each other. Then we talked about if we had kids, would I want to find a new wife and mommy for the family. And vice versa. It was something we never agreed on, but discussed a lot. And we figured, well, we will probably never be in that sad situation anyway.

I'm feeling rather sad today. I am not sure why. Because generally I am very upbeat and happy. I have lots going for me. And I was very busy at work today. So all that's good. And the best thing of all, I have a benign brain tumor — not terminal. But the fact that it's serious surgery still scares me. A lot.

I've given lots of thought to who I want to raise Harrison if something horrible happens. My dear mother is very sick and currently in a year long chemo-type treatment. She isn't healthy enough to be a parent to my little boy. I'd always thought that my best friend of 30+ years, Alicia, would be my child's caregiver if something were to happen. But she has two children of her own, a demanding job and oodles of step children. Seriously, oodles — she married a Catholic guy.

I know one things is for sure, I want Harrison to see his small family and be part of their lives. I also want him to spend time with our friends whom he has come to love and trust. So, ultimately I have decided on Emily Elkins. I've known Emily for a few years, but we have only become close within the past year. Crazy, I know. Crazy that I would trust her with the one and only person I love more than life itself. My life. My Harrison. But I do. She's responsible, fun, kind, smart and all the things that would make a good provider, caregiver and second mother to Harrison. It makes me sad just typing it. And I have deemed Zachary Matthews as Harrison's godfather — now and forever. These are the two people I trust with my life, my son and the two people who know absolutely everything about me.

I first asked them officially when we had all been out drinking Four Loco (not joking) and wreaking havoc on Tulsa. You know how sometimes when you've had too much to drink you start getting teary and emotional? Well, I don't get like that often, because I hate tears and crying. But I did. I asked them. Which was a total buzz kill. Later, when we were in our right minds I asked again. It was confirmed. Still I ask. I want to make sure. I'm sure I will ask Emily again and again until the day of my surgery. She's made it official, too, by telling her mother. I think it's official.

And now it's in writing — although it's also in legal writing.

Emily will be keeping Harrison during my time in the hospital. And my girlfriends (MAN, WHAT AMAZING GIRLFRIENDS THEY ARE) will be taking turns watching him, loving on him, taking him to school, picking him up, spoiling him, etc. while I am out of commission. Gosh, I really love them!!!!

Where's Harry's dad? I don't know. We haven't heard from him, talked to him, seen him since January 17, just after Harry's 6th birthday party. He lives a mile and a half away. And he's alive and still living there. So, I don't know. I just keep telling Harry that his dad loves him loads, but isn't in his right mind right now. Clearly.

Speaking of him — Harry's dad ... he isn't the same man I met and fell in love with back in the 90s. Nope, not at all. I miss that man. In hindsight he changed right before we split up. I think it was partly a side affect from his dear grandmother's death. Also combined with serious mental issues that I know he suffers from. I wish that man would come back. The man I fell in love with was the smartest man I had ever met. The funniest, too. And most definitely the kindest. I don't recognize him anymore. And I haven't for a very long time.

Oh what I wouldn't do to have Mark circa 1999-2005 with me today. With me whilst I deal with all of this shit. He'd protect me. He'd reassure me. That Mark would have my back and that Mark would be an amazing father. RIP Mark 1999-2005.

Oh, enough about that.

Here is what prompted me to write today (aside from thinking about that super sad movie that you should all watch and weep to) ... surgery day.

I am scared to death thinking about surgery day. I will have to be heavily drugged to even get to the hospital. Which brings me to who I want to have take me to the hospital. Mom will definitely be there. But as much as I adore her and as much as I will probably be begging for her after my head gets sliced open (and I hopefully come to), I am not sure I want her to take me to the hospital. It's highly possible that I will want Alicia there. Maybe Emily. Maybe my aunt Julie. What I do know is that the person will have to be completely calm and loving in order for me to get through it. Someone who I will let see me cry (that list is short). Someone who loves me unconditionally. Oh jeez.

That's all.

3 comments:

  1. Tammy McCarty BallardMarch 21, 2011 at 4:28 PM

    Joey - All you need to do is say when and where and I will be there...I will sit with you, hold your hand or scream uncontrollably with you...just say the word and I am there.

    Tammy!

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  2. Sarah HetheringtonMarch 21, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    Hey - I know we just "met" (which we actually still haven't done) but a good buddy of mine had a very VERY sudden need for brain surgery about a year and a half ago. She's kind and silly and sweet, and it scared her to death. She's happy and healthy now, but I know talking about it is still really good for her and sounds like it might also help you. I imagine there probably aren't a whole lot of people who can say something like "there there, I know how you feel, and it WILL be ok" and honestly mean it.

    Anywho, if you have any desire, let me know and I'll send you both each other's FB info.

    <3

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  3. You. Are. AMAZING. Ditto for Em and Z and your support group. We love you!

    ReplyDelete